rough

It is hard to see things from you, for some reason I feel like I took it too well. Maybe it was the stress I was under; the finals, the roommate situation, and finding a new place... I'm not trying to make excuses for myself I guess I am just trying to figure it out. I somehow knew something was wrong when Sommer asked me if grandma was awake. I was half asleep and really didn't process it. Then I got the text message. Some people would say "oh they didn't call you?" well I understand why she didn't. When I lost papa it was hard, as soon as you dialed the phone you lost your grip. I didn't cry when I found out, I stopped dead in my tracks and had to sit down. I couldn't focus very much and I had a final. I am not blaming anyone she didn't know. It told mom and then I drove to my test. I felt numb it was hard to believe, in fact I didn't believe it. Maybe I just woke up from a bad dream, it was harder when I got home to a message from Jim, it was hard not to cry but I held it in. I didn't really cry that day, on the plane to Lincoln City was different. Trying not to carry on conversation with the guy next to me, and trying to hold it in. It was hard seeing the kids trying to keep their mind off of it. Rhonny took it hard, the look of relief in his eyes when I saw him was heart wrenching. It is amazing how you got me, sommer and kevin together one last time before he deployed. And then when he told us that you told him you knew it made it a little harder. I don't like crying in front of people, and I guess thats why I never did. It was hard losing you and then sending Kevin to afghanistan again. I felt closer to Kevin than ever that trip, I didn't want him to go because I couldn't, I can't bare losing you and then him.

I never got the chance to thank you for everything you have ever taught me or done for me. Austin's mom asked me if I would train and help take care of her horses if she ever got some, and I told her I would because you taught me how. Like I said on your facebook, I found a message from you from last september, telling me how proud you and bubba are of me. Its hard, it still is. And I don't even know how Sommer does it. Losing you and then sending her husband back to Afghanistan. I wish I could be there with her, you weren't my mother but you were like another grandmother to me. I was reading a poem that I wrote for Rhonny before he was even 2. And there was a line that read something like I will not let you fall low, and it made me think of how I was there when you passed, trying not to let it hurt too much.

I have been emailing back and forth with sommer about my wedding, which I so wish you could be there, you will have a chair there for you just in case you want to be there in spirit, you won't have to stand the whole time... I guess the joking doesn't read as funny as I guess I felt it to be. But Sommer and I have been emailing and it does hurt a little when she calls my mom "mom" just because we still miss you soo much. It will never go away, how much we miss you that is, but rest assured that at least she still has mom. We all miss you, and really I don't know why I am writing this, maybe its because it will make me feel better, but I guess I just wanted you to know that I think about you everyday... and I miss you, and thank you.

The back stage scene

Sometimes there are people who just piss you off on a daily basis, and then there are people who just piss you off then they just neutral out then piss you off again... Well here is the current story.

Austin's mother is getting re-married to her boyfriend Mike. Now this does not bother me... she isn't using my colors or the same dress (although it is really fucking close). She did want to steal our song because "it fits us" well I'm sorry but me and your son have been together MUCH longer and we have always had that song... back off. Well we have been talking about her wedding. And I am not shitting you but the first day I was here she was showing me her wedding dress which is very similar to the one that I am freakishly in love with and if I can't make it work with my body I will be heart broken. Anyway she is sitting there telling me that if she doesn't have a big wedding then she can just give me her dress and then I can wear it in mine... this is when my blood pressure started to rise.. now not a lot but a little... then she was showing me her veil and telling me that I can use it (I don't like her veil personally and I don't like her dress for me all that much) but I was thinking... well I want my own stuff. I don't want hand me downs from the woman that is getting married for a second time... I already have her ring and I have learned to deal with that because it is a unique beautiful ring. Now she constantly kept saying oh you can have my dress, and my decorations and all this... well yeah thanks for the offer but my style of my wedding is NOWHERE near what she is having... which is fine by me. I already got a funky look from her when I told her that I already have my shoes and that they are cowboy boots. By this time my blood pressure is just continuing to rise. Well we are sitting at dinner the second night we are here, and she makes another comment about me just "borrowing" her dress for my wedding... Austin pipes in and says NO she wants her own damn dress. Which the nipped that in the bud, but there is still wedding tension. I was looking at pinterest and writing up my wedding planning stuff and she asked me what I was doing, and I told her and she just got a sour attitude... that pissed me off. Then I was looking at shutterfly for the save the dates which I have some awesome samples that are cheap and I like and it reminded me of the ones she had. They are like my cousin's who is getting married this weekend. And she was unhappy that my cousin whom she has never met, probably will never met, his save the dates were close to hers... Now I am going to sound really selfish right now and if you have a problem with that then fuck all and piss off. It is my motherfucking wedding. I have been with Austin longer than she has been on the market for a new husband, and I have been engaged longer and FIRST and whenever I plan a date it is always "well I don't know if I can do that." I don't give a flying fat fuck if you can't do it... it is my fucking wedding you are not the bride, you are not planning it so step off and spin. It is making me so mad and if I say anything to Austin he just lets it go, which I can't blame him because he just wants to be told where to stand and when to be there and wearing what on the wedding day. I have a lot of my wedding planned out and it will just take buying the stuff and putting it together. I mean I do have a serious issue to deal with sooner rather than later that has to do with the wedding party, but that is the only turmoil I thought I had to deal with.... BUT NO!!! Now I have to deal with all this shit of her wedding and my wedding... I am sorry but if you are having a second wedding I don't think you need to spend 1,000 dollars on a fucking dress... and have a massive wedding if your first wedding was lavish and expensive. Ugh I just get so mad. And then she made a comment about me getting my tattoo covered. Okay I am a bridesmaid for her wedding, its her wedding I will cover it up. BUT I am not going to fork out a shit ton of money for it... I will find a dress that will cover it, or get cheap makeup. Its a second god damned wedding. But whatever it is her wedding.

And that is just what it is HER wedding. She is going to have a wedding a year and month before Austin and I, and god help her if she doesn't want me to use the same type of dress on my wedding because I have had this dress in mind FOREVER. Since the moment I saw the picture I just wanted it. I don't know I guess I don't really have a right to be mad it is her wedding but whatever. I just don't understand why it is so horrible for me to be working on my wedding when it is so close to hers. My wedding is constantly on my mind... I mean the planning, the amount of people, where it is going to be, what to have for food, how to do drinks, cake, dresses, and the bridesmaid issue I have. And the amount of people is just a big issue. There is one person in particular that seems to think that there is going to be 300 plus people at my wedding.... if there are that many people there, I am not going to be paying for it. Not going to happen. This wedding is going to be simple, rustic, country, low budget wedding. People aren't going to like it but I don't give a shit. It is whatever.

I have found that there is more and more pissing me off about my wedding and it is just stressing me out. We FINALLY picked a date and GOD help me it will stay the same. I finally got Austin to help me pick a date and now I am going to fucking keep it. Another thing is I am tired of getting told that I need to monitor everyones everything and getting criticized about my decisions. It is almost worth not talking to ANYONE about my wedding because I am tired of getting told stupid shit about my wedding. It is just making me so mad. I don't even know what to say anymore. I am tired of getting told what I need to do and how I need to do it. I just don't understand why people won't just accept the way I want to have my wedding. I don't want a catholic wedding, I don't want a really expensive wedding, and I don't wan't something lavish. I want my own little unique wedding and I am content with it. My bridesmaids have tattoos and I have tattoos. It is not going to be a completely traditional wedding so just ugh. I don't understand why people won't just let me have my wedding the way I want.. and have my own things. I just want to crawl under a rock and just hide from the entire world....

well I guess that is all for now...

conscious

Sometimes there is a moment in your life when you sit down and realize that there are things that need to be re-evaluated. Sometimes I find myself wondering what should be evaluated and what should be left as it is. As of right now I feel like my life needs an entire re-evaluation as to what I have been doing, how I ma going to plan out my future and what really means the most to me. I find that there are people who meant a lot to me but then I realize I was blinded by the fact that i was looking for someone to be close to. I read a quote once that was about the person who helps other people is over looked as someone needing help themselves. It seems as though people are always assuming that the ones that are strong are never going to need help but over the last few weeks all I can find myself doing is either plowing my nose into a book trying to sink myself into someone else's world or someone else's life, or trying to ignore my constant thought. Now that I have a few moments I am going to just write out conscious thought without back spacing what I think would offend someone. This is your one and only warning, if you think you might be offended by something I say turn back now. If you think that you can handle it continue on BUT if you feel the need to confront me do so just know I will be taking no bullshit. here it goes. (grammar nazi's beware... conscious thought is not supposed to be grammatically correct.)

the past few days have been full of anger and misplaced thoughts. nothing that I could imagine burdening someone else with. I have found myself a few times slipping and sending an evil text message to my sister, not aimed at her mind you but just so she could help me through it. Although I do prefer to deal with things myself, I have been dealing with an internal struggle. People trying to intimidate me that are frankly not good at it and they cannot anyways because I am not scared of anyone that doesn't have the mental capability to take on the battle they choose. Someone who thinks they are better than everyone. Well frankly my words to you are fuck off. You are not the better person, just because you don't like how I live my life and how I have lived it in the past doesn't make me a bad person, and it sure as hell doesn't make you a better person for judging me for it. You always say that you and other people are going to have a coming to jesus... well frankly doesn't the bible say that no human shall judge another with human judgement? If you are so with the lord then you should take his words seriously. Yes I judge people, frankly for the benefit of my well being and others well being. But I am not one with the lord and I never take his words and use them and then do the opposite. Now people may be thinking well you just did that you hypocrite. But I an not implementing those words I am just saying them and letting you know what you are no better than I. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and fix some of the things that I have done, or change them so that things like this wouldn't happen. If I could go back and warn myself I would and it would be well worth it. Some people say that you don't live until you have experienced life, well quite honestly I think there are plenty of ways to live life even if you want to back in time to fix something you would have rather not happened, or which choice you know you should have made. In some cases I wish there was not brain to mouth filter in my body and other times I wish there was. I surely do think before I speak but sometimes it would be nice to just let it come out and not give a flying fuck about the consequences. flying by the seat of your pants if you will. Sometimes it happens and then you sit back looking at yourself thinking wow did that really just happen or wow did I really just say that. Most of the time I wish I could just say something and then have the after thought of oh hell yeah I just said that and you have no clue how gratifying that could be. But as of right now all I can think is.... fuck you. If you are so much better than me than step the fuck off......

I read another quote the other day, if you are going to walk out of my life I am going to stop trying and just hold the fucking door open. Also if you have caused me to not give a fuck, good luck trying to get it back....

Surveyed

Well it has been a while since I have done one of these, and it brings me back to the myspace years... but I feel as I have grown I need to evaluate myself as I have come to some interesting conclusions... be prepared - to get to know me, to learn new things, and see all sorts of everything about me - in other words there will be more surveys.


                                                         What is your favorite:
                                                                 
foods etc.

food: Pumpkin Pie
meal of the day: Dinner
type of pasta: Lasagna
desert: Tiramisu
type of meat: Cutlet
vegetable: broccoli (steamed)
fruit: Raspberries
kind of salad: fruit salad with honey and cinnamon not whipped cream.
kind of cookie: Snack wells Devils food
kind of pie: Pumpkin Pie with no crust.
pizza topping: Pineapple and Olives
flavor: Raspberry
ice cream flavor: Cherries Garcia
snack: Salt and Vinegar chips the kettle cooked ones.
flavor potato chip: see previous.
drink: Water
alcoholic drink: Tequila Rose
condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.): Ketchup
nationality of food (chinese, italian, etc.): Mexican
restaurant: La Roca
breakfast food: BACON
dinner food: Potatoes
salad dressing: Newman's own french
way to eat a potato: Mashed
meal to cook: Cutlets
flavor coffee: White Chocolate Mocha
flavor tea: Peppermint
candy bar: Heath or Butterfinger
candy: Sour Patch kids
snack at the movies: Redvines
way to eat popcorn: with butter and salt.
ice cream topping: Hot fudge.
carnival/fair treat: Cotton Candy
soft drink: Diet Pepsi
koolaid flavor: Cool Blue
thanksgiving food: STUFFING
spice (salt, sugar, cinnamon, etc.): Salt and garlic
                                                                   
Everyday stuff

time to get up: Whenever I wake up.
place to shop: Ross
time of day: 1234 am.
day of week: Friday
month: September
holiday: Christmas or Halloween its a toss up.
brand of toothpaste: Colgate 
brand of shampoo: Nu Skin Epoch Anti-Dandruff,
type of makeup: Pure colors
place to be: on the beach
subject in school: English
class: Social work 101
teacher: Todd Davidson and Mr. Holmes
foreign language: German
historical event: The holocaust - only because it is so interesting to learn about.
city: Seattle
article of clothing: Socks
item you own: my phone. I can do anything with it.
pet: TUBBY
animal: Penguin
color: Green and Pink
season: Fall, its so pretty
type of weather: Rainy - warm rain is the best.
career: Social work
extra curricular activity (dance, gymnastrics, etc.):Bowling
sport: Bowling
party game: Kings cup.
                                                               
 Dating & love

physical feature in the opposite sex: Eyes
personality trait of the opposite sex: Humor
place to go on a date: The movies
thing to do on a date: Cuddle
gift to get from your date: Something thoughtful
flower: Pink Rose
kind of kiss: Smooches :)
place to be kissed:Neck and lips
place to kiss your date: all over the face.
topic of conversation with your date: things that make us laugh.
way to show affection: doing something thoughtful
way for them to dress: they way they feel comfortable.
way to communicate with them (phone, email, etc.): texting or talking
                                                                   
Music, Movies, etc.

genre of music: Alternative and country
band: Lady Antebellum
singer: Josh Turner
radio station: 103.3, 96.9
concert you've been to: Toby Keith, Blake Shelton, Lupe Fiasco.
party music: top hits
romantic music: country songs
way to listen to music (CD, radio, etc.): ipod
music to listen to when you're sad: Country
music to listen to when you're angry: Alternative
song: Right now its Somebody that I used to know
lyrics: any part from Amazed
album: Not sure.
song that relates to your life: Amazed
quote: Wherever I go, there I am
joke: Are you going to uranus to check for klingons?
actor: Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Whalburg, Mathew Fox
actress: Olivia Wilde, and Evangeline Lily.
comedian: Daniel Tosh
TV show overall: Criminal Minds or Lost <3
reality show: Big Brother
game show: Big Brother
drama: Not sure
sitcom: Family Guy
TV channel: Comedy Central
movie: hunger games, Donnie Darko, the change up, etc.
genre of movie: Comedy, horror, thriller
place to go to the movies:Anywhere.
people to see a movie with: awesome friends
type of movie to see in a theater: thriller or intense movie.

All About You

physical feature: my eyes
personality trait: my ability to listen to people
way to wear your hair: in a messy bun or pony.
way to wear your makeup: dark and complicated
pair of shoes: my toms or my uggs
outfit: yoga pants, tank top, sweater and my uggs
thing that makes you smile: things that go through my mind.
person: :)
family member: All of the ones I am close with
friend: There are too many.
room in your house: My bedroom because it is where I can go and not have to deal with people
place to be alone: outside. 
place to be with your friends: anywhere.

The Internet

website: Pinterest
email host: gmail
IM service: facebook
emoticon: >.< or ^.^
online friend: You know who you are.
blog site: Blogger.com
online game: Battlefield 2142
IM/chat phrase: "wtf?"
search engine: Google
font: central gothic

Travel & the world

type of car: Nissan Xterra <3
form of transportation: Car, you can blast music and sing.
state in the US: Oregon
place to vacation: Oregon for the family, Vegas for the fun
ocean: Lincoln City Oregon!!!
country: U.S.A. considering that is the only place I have been that I liked. 
place to travel: Anywhere fun
type of climate (arctic, desert, beach, etc.): beach not too hot and not too damn cold.
type of surroundings (city, country, etc.): Country and ocean.
natural disaster: Tornado... i guess.
natural wonder: The colors of the world
body of water (lake, river, ocean, etc.): Ocean

Childhood

childhood toy: GLOW WORM
childhood memory: the county fair
childhood friend: Jason
elementary school activity: the day in gym when we would play with the scooters AND the parachute.
place to play: Regatta grounds
game to play: Mario
birthday party (yours or a friend's): my 6th birthday
food as a kid: No bake cookies
way to annoy your parents: leave my shit everywhere
way to get what you wanted: work for it.

Summer

This is me, the summer I believe in, my summer, It is also going to be written in what seems like nonsense, but those who care will understand <3
Summer is:
Messy buns, extravagant make-up, no make-up, neon colored socks, Rain, sunshine, tattoos, hearing that smart ass tone in your brothers voice, kisses from my niece and nephews, bullshitting with your maid of honor, getting a hug from your brother and knowing he means it, drinking so much water you think you will die, watermelon, sweet alcoholic beverages, frozen pre-made daquiri's, beautiful sunsets, ice cream, cruisin' on my bike, those sweet goodbyes, late night conversations, words with secret meanings, criminal minds, bright nail polish, missing my soldier (and knowing he is missed by his babies and my sister), sleeping in as long as possible, trying new drinks, bar hopping, Vegas bound, doing things to give your brother a reason to come "kick your ass", Getting wild and crazy, Xi life, Nutella, Camo, Yellow ribbons, wind storms, catching rays, hunger games, music, making memories, rekindling past times, living with my "child" again, coming home to a tree in your kitchen, surprises, birthdays, care packages, letters, pictures of ridiculousness, and much much more, especially learning that you are becoming who you really want to be!

* Dear friends and family-
Feel free to comment with a couple of your own to connect our lives :) even if they have nothing to do with me, or anything I listed!!!

Goodbyes are not forever... this time.

This evening I spent a little bit of time with my sisters. Talking with some of them was just the best. I have not realized how much I love my sisters until this moment. This semester and the semester before have been crazy, hectic and completely insane and it has been hard to really realize how much you love someone even if you don't spend the time with them. As I will be starting the new semester in the fall as a Senior in Alpha Xi, I am feeling more love than I have before. Even when it is a call to go to the store for them, or to go run and errand with them, it doesn't even bother me that I am the person they call, that is just it. It is the fact that they thought of me long enough to make the call. I would do anything for my sisters, and we just keep getting amazing women. There are younger members that I want to see grow and fill positions that I once had, or that my pledge sisters once had. It is wonderful to see them being so brave to take on something so hard. I love my sisters so much that I cannot really truly express it.

I have grown close with my pledge sisters, and the sisters before my class. One is graduating, the other is going to be graduating in the fall, and that leave two of us. We will be strong as we always have been for each other. Calling on each other in need. But it isn't only the pledge sisters that I am truly close with. Not even all the girls in my twins' class. It is the class that holds my grandlittles. I feel as though they look up to us and look to us for advice and help. I feel like it is my duty as their sister to help them in need, and help them truly realize their potential as a woman trying to change the face of greek life at Boise State, as well as trying to change the face of their future.

I want my sisters to know that if you ever need a ride home; call. If you ever need something even if it is just to talk because you have bored someone else with the issue; call. If you are in trouble, and I swear I don't care what kind of trouble it is, call!! I will help you as much as I can because I feel like I should. I love you all so much.

This summer is going to be the hardest to spend away from so many of my sisters. But I hope that they enjoy every moment of their summer because the fall will hit hard, especially with some of our sisters going abroad. I love you ladies and I am going to miss you all so much!

Tribute

Today's post is not about ramblings or the ideas or suggestions that I wish people in society would learn from or take heed. Today's post is a tribute to a very amazing person that is no longer with us. Today May 8th 2012, we lost a person that was very near and dear to our hearts. She will always be loved and forever missed. Sharon was a woman that raised many children with respect and courage. She was a woman that no one could really compare too. I spent a lot of time with her, in the bowling alley and training horses. Her and I bowled on the mixed league together, and spent a great amount of time together in the bowling alley. She also taught me many things about horses, and riding and the Posse, and how they train horses. We spent many hours training Taxi together. She is also the mother of my sister whom I love dearly. Sharon was a big part of our lives, and she always will be. She put a smile on many peoples faces and warmed their hearts. My grandmother played bingo with her on occasion last time I played with them I won 75 bucks, I guess it was my lucky day. Not only to win the money, but because I was surrounded with people I loved and cared about. She had an amazing heart, she took care of her horses and dogs as if they were family, and even took in a fat, annoying cat that I couldn't take to Boise with me, and she loved him even though he was probably one of the biggest pains in the ass that ever lived in her house.

She was a wonderful grandmother, mother, aunt, sister, and friend. She will be greatly missed by everyone. Like my brother said this morning, "today we are all incomplete whether we know it or not." And it is true. Without her we are incomplete, but this is how life is. We all become incomplete and it is hard to take. It is hard to understand and hard to completely believe but we are all a little less than ourselves these days, and if it weren't for Sharon, a lot of us would not have been brought together to share the bonds that we now hold.

Thank you for your passion, friendship and love Sharon, you will be missed more than words can express.

-Britt.

Ignorance must be bliss.

I am sorry to inform you that this is not a piece of the series that I had been writing, and that hopefully I will be able to start that up again. But as of right now I am irritated and I am going to rant about it. If it offends you feel free to leave a fucking comment, I will appreciate it.

But the topic at hand is money. My sorority, which most of you know I am in has been looking at getting hoodies. Now we are not getting them under the sororities money we are doing it ourselves. That is if everyone can afford it. We had decided, or so we thought, on a hoodie with the greek letter for Xi on the back. It was a perfect idea considering that there are so many sororities that start with Alpha and we are the only Xi. But now we have apparently decided one a different one that will cost more. Yes it has been pointed out to me that it is only a 2 dollar difference BUT what is apparently hard for them to understand is that 2 dollars is a big fucking deal. When you pay for your rent, and utilities and food and everything else you need 2 dollars means a fucking lot. Saving 2 dollars may help you get through food, or gas for your car considering it is going up ridiculously. Now that I had made that point, the people who don't care are the people who do not pay for anything themselves. They don't pay for their gas, their rent, their utilities, or anything their parents either put money into their account or they have credit cards that their parents pay for. I am so tired of the attitude that we can get anything because no not all of us can. Wake up from dream land and walk into the real world. I work for the extra money I have and usually it goes to something I need. I haven't bought the awesome crest sweater we have, the purple xi love shirts we have, the yoga pants, the other lounge sweaters, or the things we have to sell because I simply couldn't afford the idea of 35-40 dollars a pop. Now yes I was going to buy the Xi sweater it was 38 dollars. I was going to make it work, I had gotten paid extra and it would be fine.

I am fortunate enough to have parents and family that love me and help me when I need help. But I am not going to ask my mommy or daddy, or my grandparents to put money in my account for a sweater. Yes I did ask my mom for help when we were getting the house we live in now, and I am so freaking thankful that she helped. Austin and I are poor college students. I pay for college on grants and student loans, the loans are going to amount to my only debt. I don't have a credit card, and I am not going to get one to put everything the damn sorority buys on it because if I couldn't afford it from the money I have, I couldn't afford the payments with interest.

People have no clue that the idea of poor college student isn't just because they go out and buy alcohol. Yes I have done that but I do not do it often and usually it lasts me a while if I go to the liquor store. I have a limit of cash when I go down town, and that is it. I make 7.50 and hour and I get 10.5 hours a week. That amounts to about a 165.7 dollar pay check every two weeks. I don't live beyond my means, and for fuck sake I am trying to plan a wedding which isn't going to be an expensive one like some people want because I don't see them footing the fucking bill. Anyways that is another rant... but some people just have the mindset that if they can pay for it so can we (the people who work for the money they have). I don't get money when I bat my eyes, I get it because I bust my ass.

I am tired of people telling me that we need to look unified, well guess what if you want to buy something for me go right ahead because I can tell you if I can't afford it I ain't going to get it.

well now that I am done with my rant I will sign off.

Tschuss

Struggling with Reality; Part Four "Tattoos"

First I would like to apologize for my absence of blogs from Saturday - Monday. But now on to the real point I am here today. A tattoo. A tattoo is something that is permanent, we all know this. I am not here to argue the point of getting a tattoo, or not. But to discuss the attitude towards tattoos and the stereotypes surrounding them. I myself have four tattoos, I got them all legally and paid for them in full. I didn't get them done without my mothers permission at an age were I would need it, I had my moms permission fully and that was that. Like I said I have four, and I love them all. One is a little distorted from a surgery but that is all.

I want to bring to everyone's attention that people with tattoos are not always bad. A lot of bad people do have tattoos and get tattoos, but just because someone has one doesn't mean they are a bad person. A lot of people in my family have tattoos and they aren't bad people. I don't think I am a bad person and I have tattoos. Also a lot of people always say that you will never get a job with a visible tattoo. Of course this is true in some cases. There are going to be jobs that will not take you if you have tattoos that are visible, and that may offend people.  Also there are jobs that just have a policy about tattoo's because you may be constantly meeting with people. I have a job and I have a visible tattoo on my wrist. My boss frankly forgets about it, and when she does notice it she finds it cute. 

I am asking that people ignore the stereotypes about tattoos, because simply you don't know who has a tattoo and who doesn't. Your doctor may have numerous tattoos that you don't see because of his clothing and white jacket, your child's teacher may have tattoos, and they are teaching your children fundamentals that are necessary for their everyday life. Just because those people have tattoos doesn't mean they are going to have a bad influence on your children. Some police officers have tattoos, what are you going to say about them? That they are a dirty cop? This is not true. The police officers may get tattoos but that does not change how they perform their duty. Our military men and women have tattoos. They are not bad people, they protect our country and allow us to maintain our rights and our freedoms. 

I personally have had a bout of arguments about how I will conduct my wedding. Two beautiful women in my bridal party have tattoos, one of them just got a beautiful new one that it is a shame it will not show in the dress. But I will not have them covered up, the symbols, words and pictures are who they are and what they are and that is why I wanted them to be with me on my wedding day. I will not be covering mine intentionally so why should they. 

I guess the point I am getting at in today's edition is that just because tattoos can give a person a negative connotation, do not believe it unless you have met the person and gotten to know them. Do not let a form of art become something that is shameful. The profession of body art has come a long way and it has gotten more beautiful as time goes on. Take a step back and think about your assumptions when you think that a person with tattoos is going no where in life, because that is not true at all. Look around you when you are in a public place and ask yourself, how many people in the room with me have a tattoo, or multiple tattoos, and then ask yourself if they are someone you would assume is a bad person. You don't judge a book by its cover so do not judge a person by their choice in body art. 

Tip of the Day: Think about your actions, what you consider to be disgraceful now may have been something you do or have done in the past.
Quote of the Day: "It takes too much energy to be against something unless it's really important." - Madeleine L'Engle.

Tschuss

Struggling with Reality; Part Three "Retarded"

Words. Things in the English language that people seem to use incorrectly. The word that brings me to this conclusion is the word "retarded". People misuse this term daily and unfortunately they may not understand what they are doing and or saying. "Oh that's retarded.", "This is retarded." "You are being a retard." These phrases are phrases we hear day in an day out and unfortunately no on really thinks otherwise. There are a select few people in each group of friends that are against this word but their argument to end its usage in their group of friends is frivolous. I myself have used this term before in a way that suggests a different meaning of the word and I have taken the time to weed it out of my vocabulary - save for today. Lets look at the word "retarded" and see its true definition.

Retarded (Adj); slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress (Websters Dictionary.)

Looking at this word I see a person that is just like anyone else, they may need a little more stimulation to get going, but they are just fine. No where in that definition do I see the word stupid. When you are using phrases like those previously mentioned, you are basically saying something is stupid or dumb. This is using the term as a derogatory and degrading word. There for when using the term that way it means you are calling anyone with a mental disability, or emotional disability stupid and dumb. Now some people hesitate to even say the word "retarded" even when talking literally about someone who may have a disability. It is not fully wrong to use the term, just so long as you are using it correctly.

I know plenty of people that hate when the term is used, and I cannot blame them. Some people have a family member who has a cognitive disability, learning disability, or anything that falls near those categories and they hate it when people use the word incorrectly. I myself have no known family member who falls under the category, at least that I know of, but I would like to go on the record and say that even if a family member did it would mean that I don't love them the same. They still are the same people, they just need some help time to time. After joining Alpha Xi Delta and doing philanthropy events for Autism Awareness, I have learned so much about how people hate the word, and they just want everyone to stop using it. There is no reason for someone to use the word "retarded" unless using it in the proper way. And when I say the proper way I don't mean by calling someone with a disability retarded because that is not okay either.

Using a technical term is better than using the word retarded. Using that word inappropriately just hurts others feelings and doesn't help anyone. Please be considerate, and if someone asks you not to use that word around them do as they ask. If you are a person that uses that word a lot take the time to think about how much you use it, and do you offend others that you say it around. You may be hurting others and not necessarily know it. So please be considerate of others and think about how you use specific words around others.

Tip of The Day: Always be aware of your surroundings you never know who is going to see you, hear you, or turn away from you because of what you do and say. Be knowledgeable.
Quote of The Day: "Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

Struggling with Reality; Part two "Race"

Throughout this semester I have been reading numerous articles and a book about racism, and they have enlightened my knowledge of racial structure, and racialism. Now I could sit here and write out a whole argument on how I feel about racist people and their comments. But alas this is not a blog for argument, it is a series of opinionated/educated information.

*Caution; if you feel the need to argue with my points please before commenting make sure you have the evidence to back up your claims. 

Just the other day for my sociology class (race and ethnic minorities) we were assigned to read The World Is A Ghetto by Howard Winant. Winant is an author of many articles regarding the structure of race and the racial inequality. At first glance I thought this book would be about the "ghetto's" of the United States, but after reading up to Part two of this book I have found that to be untrue. Winant talks about everywhere, he mainly focuses on South Africa, Brazil and a touch of the United States. After reading what I have, I have found out that there is a lot more than meets the eye when it comes to the abolition of slavery. Yes we have had a bout with slavery here in the United States, we all learn about it in school (some schools choose to ignore a lot of the aspects, that is depending on your location in the United States; Particularly those that are surrounded by Arian Nation.) and we come to find that it was a big deal. Now I want to stop you all before you come to the conclusion that slavery is in fact over. It has not. Maybe it has in the United States - at least to a point- but it has not in other countries. Take South Africa for instance. Many people assume that South Africa doesn't really have slavery problems because that is where "they" come from, but to the contrary slavery is a massive issue in South Africa. It has become a massive issue even though the term "slavery" is out dated, and outlawed from being used as an adjective for a person working for you. Now in South Africa - as Winant states in Chapter 5 -  they have moved to means of Peonage (the working of one person to pay off a debt to another),  and coercion to work. The thought that if your production level doesn't make the top your family is killed, and you are too. Now off of my small tangent about slavery, back to the means of Race. What is the idea of race, and why is it even a social category?

Race (noun); A class or kind of people unified by shared interests, habits, and characteristics. (Websters Dictionary.)

Just for the sake of my time lets look at the meaning of Racism to compare. 

Racism (noun); A belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race. (Websters Dictionary.)

Now that we know the meaning of race and racism lets look at the differences. Race is identifying that person with another based on their shared interests, habits and characteristics. Sadly due to our racialized structure of the world this also means we are placing people in stereotypes as well as making everything about race. The idea of just because you are say Italian and you have black hair and are interest is cooking you are going to be an Italian chef, unfortunately this person would fall under the category of "white", and people of other nationalities would fall under the "other" (this concept is taken from the Eduardo Bonilla-Silva 1997 and 1999 articles). Now look at the definition of racism. Basically with racism we are saying that (excuse the cliche but it fits best) just because that person is black they must be great at football. This is saying that because of the color of their skin they must be good at that, or they must be a thief or a murderer.  This is not true! Just because of the color of someones skin doesn't mean they have some problem or are better at something than someone else of another skin color. Just because President Barrack Obama is black doesn't mean he cannot be a President like many white men before him. Yeah he hasn't done the greatest, but there are many other WHITE male presidents who have done the same if not worse... Hello The Great Depression, and not helping the people. 

Okay I am done with that tangent. Presidency is not what I am arguing it was just a  good example. You cannot assume someones traits because of their color, or their abilities. That is being racist. But we all do it, I do it and I am not proud, and I am trying to get better at it but sometimes it is just want we as American's have been taught in schools. 

This brings me to the ideology of "Color-Blindness". I don't mean the genetic trait of being unable to see colors, but the Color-Blind Ideology. 

Color-Blind (Adj); not influences by differences of race. (Websters Dictionary.)

This my friends is another issue. Many of us have heard Steven Colbert's comment that he isn't racist, he doesn't see color. This is a hot button topic with a lot of sociologist and social work people. The color blind ideology is the thought of ignoring all color, all ethnicity, and all physical traces of race. Some of us think this is a good way of thinking about the racial problems, and I will admit that I thought this way too until I was taking my Sociology 230 class last spring. Admitting that you follow the colorblind ideology in the manner of ignoring race's and seeing people as people is also another form of racism. It isn't necessarily the discriminatory or prejudicial type of racism, but it is offensive to those of color, and those with different ethnicities because you are still ignoring their culture, their life, their person themselves. It is rather ironic that a person can try so hard to not be racist and see no color but in fact they are becoming racist against that persons, or group of people's characteristics, the part that makes them human, and the part that makes them who they are. 

It is better to understand race, and racism and that our country was rooted in racism and embrace that it was part of our history and know that we can change for the better, than it is to ignore that it ever happened. Racism to me is unacceptable, I know that I am a white lower class female and I have more privelages than a black man or woman that may even have a higher class status that I do just because of my skin color, and I find it sickening. It makes me mad when people stand there and say that "they" are taking all of our opportunities, but in fact the people who say that are not taking advantage of those opportunities leaving the spot open for someone else, it shouldn't matter what the color of your skin is, everyone should be able to get a good education, and the chance at getting a good job and owning a home. The idea of old money and new money is that blacks and native american's have new money. And their money isn't rooted into the country where they know they have clout. It is just another way to keep them down. 

Ok although I have kept my ranting about racism and racial comments to a minimum - I think - and more educational than opinionated. I must make the point. If you are going to sit there and say things like "I have nothing against blacks but I hate how they do this.", or "one day I want to own a plantation house, it has to have lots of trees and greenery so I know that no one saw the slave owners beating their slaves, I'll just know.", or "the black guy has the ball he will surely make a touch down." YOU ARE RACIST!!! When you say things like that you are flat out racist. The worst part about it is that you are the one that is proud enough to say it and have people hear it and you are okay with it. I may have gone to high school in an area that was extremely engulfed in white supremacy but I will never tolerate that kind of behavior, not around me. If you want to bash the color of ones skin bash your own. If you are white and make comments like that and feel the need to be racist be racists against the whites who took over Africa and took their resources and trafficed their people, be racist against whites who are all for taking care of themselves and taking things from others, be racist against the white people who still believe it is okay to call someone stupid because of the color of their skin. Do not be racist against those who have no control over what they have been through, and their families, and ancestors before them. Our country has a problem with race, and you are not helping. 

Keep in mind that one of the reasons Hitler killed the Jews was because he was a fan of how we treated the people in our country. 

If you are racist go ahead and be racist, I have a lot of family that is racist and I still love them, and I don't think differently about them, I just will not entertain an argument of race by agreeing with them. But I will not tolerate someone arguing with me about race that hasn't taken the time to look at articles written by sociologists who study people. Sorry about my tangent and if you feel differently towards me now that I have expressed my feelings on race and my knowledge of the history behind it then I am sorry for that too. But keep in mind that this series piece was not to attack anyone, but to merely cover a topic that I have been learning about, and show that I am getting an education.

Tip of the Day: Brush up on some inspiring poetry or listen to an inspiring song before work or homework, or any task during your day, it might make your day a little bit easier. 

Quote of the Day: "The thing I hate about an argument is that is always interrupts a discussion." - G.K. Chesteron

Until Tomorrow,

Tschuss.

Struggling with reality. Part One: "Homeless"

As I am sitting here in the Library sipping my ice tea and observing my surroundings I have come across a simple old man. He is sitting here reading a magazine. Whenever I come to the library he is always here in the morning through out the rest of the day just reading. Reading novels, newspapers, and magazines. Many people say that this man is homeless. This is where I come across the bump in the conversation. The assumption of being homeless. This man is clean shaven, and has clean clothes on, he doesn't carry a bunch of things with him, in fact I only see him with his jacket and his self. His clothes are new and clean and he doesn't give me the impression of homeless at all. People assume that he is homeless because he spends most of his day here, and he is friends with other old men who are also assumed to be homeless. To me what I see when I look at this old man, is someone who may have no family and/or someone who just has nothing else to do but read. Granted he could be homeless and I would have no way of knowing unless I went up to this gentleman and asked him if he was homeless, and that would possibly offend him and be very rude. Lets briefly examine the concept of Homelessness.

home-less (adj) : having no home, or no permanent place of residence. (Websters Dictionary)

The thought of someone being homeless is a sad thought. They probably have lost everything, including their pride and dignity. And by calling someone homeless when you have no proof but your own assumption is degrading. It is the same thing as telling a woman that she should not be able to have a job and that she is just to birth children and cook meals. It is degrading and people who assume such things should really take a step back and look at the world they live in. Who are you to know if your class mate in elementary school was homeless? Oh wait, the adjective "homeless" seems to only apply to those of older age that (according to many) have no place in the same location as you. Did you know that in 2011 there were 636,017 homeless people in the united states (that were recorded and many go unrecorded every day), and 67,495 were veterans. Every 4 in 10 homeless individuals are unsheltered (National Alliance to End Homelessness). Homelessness is no rarity to our country. This statistics are also manly focused on adults. BUT the rate of homeless children in our country is alarming. A study in 2002 found that 1.7 million children call the streets home every year, 38% were under 18, and 42% were under the age of 5 (SafeHorizon)

When I was in high school my freshman year, I was invited by my digital photo teacher to go to a Homeless Summit in Newport Oregon. I was there mainly to film about the program and the meeting. I was severely enlightened when I attended. I benefited more from the experience than I did from the grade in which I received (it was an A by the way.) I learned so much about the Homeless issue in my community. I had learned that the city of Newport tried to construct a homeless shelter but they had to many issues with fights and things being stolen that they shut it down only months after opening it. Now some people might think "oh well they tried and it didn't work sucks for the homeless." but you must know that they didn't try hard enough. Years after shutting down the shelter, the summit was being held. We suggested that (and yes I became part of the discussion) the city of Newport not only open one shelter, but numerous throughout the different ends on the town. That way there will be less fighting over space and food, and stealing will not be a problem if you have rules. People will follow rules as long as they have a roof over their head and they have a warm place to sleep in. Comparing Newport Oregon to Boise Idaho is a breeze. Boise has numerous, plethora's even of homeless shelters and woman's shelters. And they are not trashy they are actually very nice and very high level for a shelter. This summit opened my eyes to the world. I knew there were homeless people, and that there was an issue but I never knew how serious it was. Hell there was a man who used to be in Lincoln City and he would collect cans. He was the can man - it seems like a rude thing to call him, but he embraced it- and he would pick up pop/beer cans put them in a bag and take them to the store and cash them in for a little amount of money and buy himself something to eat. He had lived in Lincoln City for years and was doing just fine. He never bothered anyone, in fact people didn't mind seeing him because he didn't bother people. If you said hello he would say hello and shoot the breeze with you as long as you wanted. Unfortunately someone killed him a number of years ago. It was sad because he minded his own business, he wasn't into drugs and things like that. It is a shame that people feel disgusted by people who are homeless. It would be different if you were in their place.

I have learned so many things about homelessness, the people, the shelters, and the programs trying to help them. It is a shame that some people can't seem to understand that people fall on hard times and sometimes it is just harder to get back up. The system is shot in so many ways (that is another topic to be addressed separately) that it makes it almost impossible to get back on ones feet. But I urge you, if you read this please consider how you think of people, don't be a person that assumes whether or not someone his homeless unless you know for a fact, and don't be rude or senseless. Sometimes they just need a pick me up.

Tip of the day: Carry food in your car, a big zip lock bag of snacks; applesauce, granola bars, chips, anything snacky and give it to a homeless person on the side of the road. They will appreciate you, and you will feel better about yourself for it.
Quote of the day: "It is only in the giving of oneself to others that we truly live." - Dr. Ethel Percy Andrus

Until the Part 2.
Tschuss

Rain

Oh rain, how I long for you. It rained a few days ago and I slept the best I have slept in well frankly a long time. I miss the rain, and there is nothing more that I would love than just a day with pouring rain, not this light drizzle but hard rain, rain that soaks you instantly. I mean I did enjoy the rain we got when we were in Oregon for Thanksgiving, but the excess wind wasn't necessary. I loved the hard rain and seemingly "gloomy" feel of the day but the carport falling apart and the garbage can lid slapping the trailer was not so peachy if you ask me. 

I miss having those long and drawn out wind and rain storms that made it difficult to function because you got soaked from the door to the car, or you almost got blown away. We don't get much of that here, it is rather bland unless we get a random thunder and lightening storm with snow, that was interesting for sure. I secretly would love to be a storm chaser. The adrenaline rush, the amazing views, the amazing once in a life time feelings, and sights would be so worth the terrifying moments. I would love to sit and watch a tornado (from a fairly safe distance mind you), or a mild hurricane. I will pass on the flooding and what not, I have already been there done that. When I was a little girl I told my mommy that I wanted to be a news caster, now that I think about it I would have wanted to be in the action with the storms. I wanted to be the girl holding the inverted umbrella through the storm with crazy things going on in the background. It is just something that I would love to watch.

Not to mention I have some experience. I mean during storms we would always drive to the wayside and watch the tide, and the stupid people that still thought it was acceptable to walk on the beach, one lady in particular who thought it was necessary to attempt (key word) to walk on the beach with heels. Mom and I would sit outside and watch the lightening come and go in Sandpoint. One time we had a really bad electric storm and Austin and I went to the store before it really hit. On our way back a HUGE bolt of lightening made contact with the ground a block away from the car, it was kinda scary for a moment but then when we got home I sat outside on his deck and watched the storm while eating my cheetoe puffs. The summer micro storms are the best because it is warm and the rain is warm. 

I think the best rain I have ever been in was the rain in Maui. Just because it came down so hard but it didn't really sink into you. It was so warm like a hot shower. I mean that was the best warm rain. The best normal rain that I have been in was in Oregon and all it did was just pour down for days and days and it felt so good on your skin and sounded so rhythmic on the roof and the windows. It was amazing. 

I just miss it so much. I miss being saturated with rain. I miss being able to sleep. I hate it so much. I hate tossing and turning every night, waking up feeling like I have had all the moisture sucked out of my body. I feel like I need a humidifier because this is just ridiculous. Meh.

Well that is all.

Tschuss

Know Me?

I have been compelled today to write about myself. Now I guess some people would question that I do write about myself all the time, but this is about me as a person and do you (the readers) really know me. I guess this is where I will start.

Do you really know me? Some of you will say yes you do and to those people I hate to say it but I am not so sure than you are entirely correct. I think some of these things my sister may know but I am not totally sure what she knows (she is all knowing and all powerful, as well as my mother.) But here we go.

Did you know that I actually really like listening to the Ambient Music? I do really enjoy the music of Michael Giacchino, and many other ambient music artists. I enjoy Michael's work because it reminds me of Lost which I have such a deep geek like relationship to. (some of these things I will address later.) And I just simply like to enjoy the calmness of things with no words. It brings out the creative side of me that not very many people get to see anymore, or even knew existed.
Did you know that I am a Geek at heart? This is one reason why I am so in love with Austin, he is a geek as well as I. I geek out about things all the time. My friend Nick knows exactly what I mean by geeking out, after all he is the one who coined the term in my life. For those who haven't seen me geek out, it is when I get really excited about something small or a TV show, Movie, Book or Game. A lot of people are going to consider their life as geeking out BUT if you are just "in love" with any of the previously listed that does not mean you are geeking out. You geek out about the smallest shit about that thing and it is a minor obsession and feeling that only select people understand. But I love LOST and that is what I generally geek out about, or Stephen King. These things are my constant. (see I did it right there.)
Did you know I love video games? I know a lot of people hate them and say that they will never let their children have them, BUT I do love video games. I used to play them with my Dad, Opa, Mom, Brothers, and many other family members. Now a lot of people are going to say that I must not have played outside or anything but I loved to be outside, but then there was a place in my heart for Mario and Luigi, and Crash, and the occasional War game with my dad. But I think it helps with family relationships when you can sit down and play a game with your kids.
Did you know that I HATE mouth noises? Now it isn't something I am encouraging people to do to piss me off because I am sure it will and you will not like it, but I cannot stand them. I have a hard time listening to Grillz but Nelly because I can hear their damn mouth noises. It is just a pet peeve, I mean you don't have to eat with your mouth open come on people.
Did you know that I am afraid to make my Nana's recipes? I am afraid to make them because I am worried that I will ruin my memory of what it used to taste like. Nana doesn't cook much anymore, especially some of the things that it would take her all day to cook, and those thing were my childhood. I know that if I made them wrong I wouldn't want to try anything else.
Did you know I LOVE to cook? I love cooking, I used to spend a lot of time in the kitchen with my Nana and my Oma. My dad and I even tried to make a frosting once and we thought it looked nasty but it was actually right! I love cooking because it reminds me of home, I am so far away from the people I truly love and that is the way to take me back home. So don't bitch at me for having to much food or too much shit because that is just what I do okay.
Did you know I love reading the news? I do just because that is the only way I can keep up with what the hell is going on without feeling depressed by listening to newscasters and their biased attitudes and comments. I love reading the News Guard for Lincoln City, and commenting in the Opinion sections. I mean hell I may not be a resident but I was for so long that I can still tell you how to get around in that city, and how to avoid traffic without even being there.
Did you know I have a photographic memory? I can tell you just about anything about the places I have lived, houses, streets, directions and what not just because I visually took the time making so many memories that I could tell you where the pot belly pig lives in the apartment on HWY 101 on the south side of the mexican restaurant that used to be the KFC which is on the south west side of the Community center in Lincoln City. I remember the crazies shit so don't test me, I WILL remember!
Did you know that I secretly love classic rock music the most? I love listening to classic rock because it is what I grew up on, when I am driving alone and I am tired of listening to the radio stations we usually listen to I put on the 96.9 channel and listen to the music that we used to play while camping or in the house in general. Every one else thinks it is weird but I love it!
Did you know that my second favorite music is Blue Grass? Yes that is right, blue grass. I love it. I used to listen to it with my grandpa, and the 40 funky hits on the record player, playing in the play room while we painted my doll house blue. It is something that a lot of people don't want to listen to but I do.
Did you know that I like stupid movies? What most people consider stupid I love. I love Donnie Darko, and Darkness Falls, Austin Powers, and all those straight to DVD movies. They are the most entertaining for me. They are weird and dumb and for some reason it appeals to me, so don't tell me how much you hate things because that may not be what I agree with.
Did you know that I broke my fingers? I broke my middle finger's nuckles on my left hand when I was a kid. I smashed them under a bowling ball when they redid the lanes back home. Then a week later I broke my thumb on the same hand in the car in the parking lot of the Price 'N Pride.
Did you know that I am obsessed with Bowling? It is a sport don't even give me that bullshit, that is another can of worms you don't want to open. I love bowling, there is nothing better than rolling a ball down lanes and hearing the crack of the pins as they come crashing down. There is so much technique and so much thought that goes into it that I just don't know how to explain it. And I hate the pro bowler who bowls with two hands, that shit is bullshit right there. When I was in tournaments that shit wasn't legal.
Did you know that I hate pro athletes? Okay there are some exceptions BUT I hate how much they get paid. My brothers are in the military and serve our country but they don't get paid as much as people who throw a ball to people for fun! It is stupid and it is something I do not agree with, they are just distracting us from what is really going on! Now this is not meant to piss Austin off because I know he loves football, but he also knows I love my brothers.
Did you know that I am scared? I am scared, constantly. I am scared simply because I know there is going to be a moment in my life where things come crashing down. Whether it be losing a family member or something of that magnitude but I know it is eventually going to happen.
Did you know that I do what I do because of the Dollars? My Nana and Papa Dollar are and were everything that makes me want to be a social worker, the way my Papa's social worker was so sweet, and the way my Nana talked about my moms bitch of a social worker was enough to seal the deal. They were and still are a big influence in my life and I know Papa would be proud of what I am. And I know Nana is too!
Did you know I am a cowgirl at heart? I don't wear my boots or camo all the time, but I am not afraid to get up on a horse that hasn't been trained, hell I have done it numerous times before. I am not afraid to hold a gun, nor am I afraid to shoot that gun. Hell I was taught you don't shoot to wound.
Did you know I will take Austins side? In Boise I will take Austins side over anyone because here he is my constant, he is my life. Yes I love sorority, but Austin came before that and he always will. This will piss people off but guess what, I don't care.
Did you know I don't care what people think? I don't care if you hate what I wear, what I eat, what I do, my tattoos, my piercings, my life choices, my drinking habits (which are nothing to scoff at by the way), my choice in hair color, or make up. I really don't care if you don't like the things about my I listed previously or the things I will continue to list. If you don't like any of it then you should take a step back and think about it.
Did you know I love to write? I love writing, I don't know why but I do. There is something justifying about writing. I don't care if the grammar is bad because most of the time it is meant for me, or people who don't give a damn about my grammar.
Did you know that I love to draw? Not just doodle, or make designs. I love to produce art. I love to draw figures, and people and things. I love to shade with my finger and get pencil all over my fingers. I love using charcoal to draw/sketch, I love using pastels to create beautiful artwork. I love to paint things, I love to color. I love art.
Did you know I love taking walks down memory lane? People consider it living in the past but I love looking back into my life and creating something, whether it be art, or writing about that part of my life because that is what it going to be constant that is what is going to be forever. My memory will not last forever but my art and my writing will last a lot longer than me if kept, and taken care of.
Did you know I almost lost both my parents? I almost lost my mom when I was in 6th grade, because some doctor was an idiot. And that was a rough time in my families life. It was hard and I hated it! Then a couple years later my dad got sick, and I almost lost him if he wouldn't have gone to the hospital. It was rough. It is something I can look back on now and know I was strong. They both were too. Neither of them gave up and now I still have them. I can't imagine planning a wedding without either of them involved.
Did you know I lost my best friend? One of my best friends died when I was a sophomore in high school. We grew apart as school went on but when I was told that he had died it was hard. Him and I used to go camping together and spent a lot of time together playing G.I.Joe and Jane at Beverly Beach. He was taken from us when his truck slammed into a tree on Hwy 18. Some say it was suicide, because there are a lot of circumstances that make it seem that way, and I am not disputing it. I just keep thinking about the time I was with my Dad at Gulluchi's with chelsea and timbre, and we were concerned with someone else who turned out to be someone I cannot frankly stand for the life of me because she is NOT who she used to be, but I saw him and I talked to him but I was more concerned with someone else than him, and that was the last time I saw him.
Did you know I hate Silence? I hate being in the sheer silence. I have always hated it. I like noise. People hate noise but not me. I mean yes there is a point where it is too much but I love noise. Silence just creeps me out and I don't like it.
Did you know I broke my foot? I broke my foot when I jumped off a pogo stick on a hill and fractured my foot. I don't really think it ever healed correctly but what can I do about it now.
Did you know I broke the woman's squat record in High School? I broke the woman's squat record in high school with a weight of 230 lbs. I have the training to thank for that accomplishment. Coach Puloua was amazing and helped me get to where I was and helped me make the decision to do track.
Did you know I went to state for track? I threw shot put and had my own shot put to take with me. I threw for two years and it was a great two years of memories.
Did you know I was in a boating accident? I fell off the inner tube forward instead of backward and got held upside down and caught in the rope. I had a rope burn for weeks, and it hurt like a bitch but I knew papa was with me that day.
Did you know I believe in the Paranormal? Don't criticize me on this. I believe in the paranormal because I have seen things that are not right. Heard things that are not right, felt things that are not right and not explainable. I swear I have seen Papa in places that I shouldn't have been able to see him. I have a theory but if you want to know you will have to ask me.
Did you know that I love Llamas? I love them for some odd reason. Maybe it is because they are a weird animal and I am a weird person but I just like them.
Did you know I think I saw big foot? Don't criticize me for this either. I was camping with my family and I think I saw him in Washington...
Did you know I love to go camping? I don't go camping with a camper in a camping ground with bathrooms. I go camping in the middle of no where by a river with my tent and camping gear. And yes I find a tree to pee and stuff. Get over it.
Did you know I have seen the most amazing meteor shower ever? When we lived on the river there were no lights out there, and we could see the most amazing things ever.
Did you know we lost almost everything? Our house on the river flooded and I boated out at 5 in the morning and had to help my mom push logs and debris out of the way while my dad drove the small boat. I had to leave my dog behind until they could get him in the morning.
             - life isn't/wasn't easy so don't think I have had it just as smooth as a babies ass because you
               don't know.
Did you know I have felt terror? My cousin practically saved me from a psychopathic guy that I used to baby sit for a long time ago that is now in prison. My cousin saved me the day he snapped.
Did you know I love reading post secret? I love reading other peoples secrets and knowing that other people are going through rough patches and I know that when I did, I wasn't the only one.
Did you know Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Fox and Josh Turner are my celebrity crushes? I just think they are all so damn hot. I love Austin but damn everyone has their celebrity crush.
Did you know Austin and I met online? Austin and I were introduced over the webcam on MSN Messenger when that was cool. And that is where everything flourished.
Did you know I love going to Plays? I love going to theater plays. They are fun to watch and they can be very entertaining. I love high school plays too.
Did you know I was in plays? I used to be in plays in elementary school. I have 5 parts in the Wizard of Oz, I was in god knows how many plays and I enjoyed every minute of it.
Did you know I LOVE Wizard of Oz? I love it so much I used to watch it all the time. I love the Tin Man, and Dorothy. That is what Austin and I are.
Did you know I Love nightmare before Christmas? I love that movie too!! I have the songs on my ipod and I love it. Austin and I are Jack and Sally. That is just how it is.
Did you know I secretly love the smell of pickled onions and garlic mixed together? It sounds disgusting but Papa used to eat them and then want me to sit with him and he would smell of onions and garlic. And when I moved into on campus apartments the hall smelt like that and It was like Papa was with me.
Did you know I love old fashion hard candy? Papa and I would secretly eat them before lunch or dinner and Nana would get so mad.
Did you know I was the only great grandchild to never get Sand on the outside of the sandbox at Nana and Papa's? I loved playing in that sand box and I never got the sand out, and even if I got a little bit out on accident I would clean it up myself.
Did you know I stole sand? Taking sand was illegal, but Papa and I would go down Cannon Drive and snatch some for the sandbox.
Did you know I love people for who they are? I love people for who they are not what they look like, or what they have. It is a rarity. And it makes me sick when people hate someone just because of what they look like.

These things are just some of the things I swear people don't know about me. And I know this because of the assumptions they make. I wish people would just get to know someone instead of assume they know them like almost every one does. And I am guilty of it too so don't even begin to say I am a hypocrite, just don't even go there.

Thanks for reading this everyone. :)
Tschüs

Memory Lane

Today I have found myself taking a walk down memory lane. Although that is hard to do since I have lost touch with many of the people I used to hang out with in my elementary and middle school days. But today I found myself on facebook looking up people I used to be friends with and people I used to spend a lot of time with. Looking at their new pictures and some of the old, walking back down memory lane with those people whether they know it or not. Yes I know I basically facebook stalked every one of them, but hey when you have no way of really running into them what else are you to do? So yes, I facebook stalked them. But it has brought me back to some people that I do miss dearly. I miss them more than I really remember ever missing them. I used to spend so much time with some of these girls and now it is like I, or they have fallen off the face of the earth from each other. Some people recently I have decided I didn't need in my life, and I am proud that I can make that decision, but as I look back to the life I had before now, I miss the people that I haven't talked to in years. Now it seems rather ridiculous, and people say don't live in the past, but these people are the part of my past that I want to remember forever. They are the people I played sports with, I went to class with, I played on the playground with and invited over for sleep overs, and everything. People that I, for some reason, found myself connecting with. Now yes I understand we all have separate lives, and have followed our own pathway through life but I don't see the harm in trying to get in touch with the people that you used to be best friends with. Yes I have many amazing friends that populate my life as of now and there is nothing I would do to change that. But I would love to have the people that used to be in my life, re-enter and be a part of it as well. There isn't anything I would want more, is those people that I used to go to elementary school with and those people that I shared ridiculous experiences with to be back in my life. Hell I was at a Boise State football game (where I go to college which many of you know) and as I was walking to the concession stand I heard someone yell my name. I assumed it was a sorority sister, Fraternity brother, class mate, dorm mate, or just someone I worked with. But I was surprised to turn around and see someone I went to middle school with, and that was best friends with my cousin Jason. I do see him every now and then. Now him and I never really hung out and frankly we didn't really ever see eye to eye, but it is something that is heart warming to see someone from a long time ago in a current place of over 20,000 people. Just the other day I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she was going into the store and she ran into Tina, someone who bowled on the Thursday night Women's League for years and her daughter Lexxie was with her. Lexxie was and still is a dear best friend of mine. Her and I sadly have fallen away from each other and there is nothing I want more than to be back in touch with her on a regular basis. She was my rock when I needed her and I was hers. She was my "Halfbreed" as mom would say it, and I was her white girl. It sounds terrible but to us it was everything. We would go to the beach at 2 in the morning in the rain and wind just to go. We walked to Price n Pride and bought Monster and Parana drinks (when they still sold parana's). Then it was a stop at burger king for a shake and fries. Then we would walk back to the bowling alley each a cup of pickles and play Masho or Mash. We had the same 6th grade class, and were constantly getting into arguments with Mrs.Silen and her picture of President Bush that she adorned in her class room. That is when we met Kyle and Michael and we were great friends with Eder and Tony. Those days were almost the glory days except we hated the school. We had advanced art together and we hated Mrs.Holley with a passion and she hated us but that was okay because she wasn't liked by many if at all. Lexxie and I got into some ridiculous trouble, we broke a window in my garage, busted a sharpie all over my mom and dads computer screen. We quickly found out that windex removes sharpie from glass, and that to never throw a sharpie at glass. I remember when I dated Cyrus, and Lexxie was the one to tell me he wanted to break up with me, I didn't care really it was middle school. And then she was scared to tell me that he wanted to go out with her. I was happier that he date her than me. It was fine, she was so scared that I would hate her, but it was better than who she was dating before. Lexxie and I always thought that I would be the one that got married and that she would be the one to be a trucker across the untied states and then live in mexico. Back then those things were the things we could think about. We would scream out MEXI-MOBILE when a low rider drove by, and we would walk everywhere. We didn't need a car, unless we were going to her house, or mine since she lived in Rose Lodge. We would walk hours to the little store to buy candy and then walk back. I will never forget the stupid shit we would do together, and she is and always will be my best friend. I love her with all my heart and If there is any way she could read this, I hope she would. I miss her so much!