rough

It is hard to see things from you, for some reason I feel like I took it too well. Maybe it was the stress I was under; the finals, the roommate situation, and finding a new place... I'm not trying to make excuses for myself I guess I am just trying to figure it out. I somehow knew something was wrong when Sommer asked me if grandma was awake. I was half asleep and really didn't process it. Then I got the text message. Some people would say "oh they didn't call you?" well I understand why she didn't. When I lost papa it was hard, as soon as you dialed the phone you lost your grip. I didn't cry when I found out, I stopped dead in my tracks and had to sit down. I couldn't focus very much and I had a final. I am not blaming anyone she didn't know. It told mom and then I drove to my test. I felt numb it was hard to believe, in fact I didn't believe it. Maybe I just woke up from a bad dream, it was harder when I got home to a message from Jim, it was hard not to cry but I held it in. I didn't really cry that day, on the plane to Lincoln City was different. Trying not to carry on conversation with the guy next to me, and trying to hold it in. It was hard seeing the kids trying to keep their mind off of it. Rhonny took it hard, the look of relief in his eyes when I saw him was heart wrenching. It is amazing how you got me, sommer and kevin together one last time before he deployed. And then when he told us that you told him you knew it made it a little harder. I don't like crying in front of people, and I guess thats why I never did. It was hard losing you and then sending Kevin to afghanistan again. I felt closer to Kevin than ever that trip, I didn't want him to go because I couldn't, I can't bare losing you and then him.

I never got the chance to thank you for everything you have ever taught me or done for me. Austin's mom asked me if I would train and help take care of her horses if she ever got some, and I told her I would because you taught me how. Like I said on your facebook, I found a message from you from last september, telling me how proud you and bubba are of me. Its hard, it still is. And I don't even know how Sommer does it. Losing you and then sending her husband back to Afghanistan. I wish I could be there with her, you weren't my mother but you were like another grandmother to me. I was reading a poem that I wrote for Rhonny before he was even 2. And there was a line that read something like I will not let you fall low, and it made me think of how I was there when you passed, trying not to let it hurt too much.

I have been emailing back and forth with sommer about my wedding, which I so wish you could be there, you will have a chair there for you just in case you want to be there in spirit, you won't have to stand the whole time... I guess the joking doesn't read as funny as I guess I felt it to be. But Sommer and I have been emailing and it does hurt a little when she calls my mom "mom" just because we still miss you soo much. It will never go away, how much we miss you that is, but rest assured that at least she still has mom. We all miss you, and really I don't know why I am writing this, maybe its because it will make me feel better, but I guess I just wanted you to know that I think about you everyday... and I miss you, and thank you.