conscious

Sometimes there is a moment in your life when you sit down and realize that there are things that need to be re-evaluated. Sometimes I find myself wondering what should be evaluated and what should be left as it is. As of right now I feel like my life needs an entire re-evaluation as to what I have been doing, how I ma going to plan out my future and what really means the most to me. I find that there are people who meant a lot to me but then I realize I was blinded by the fact that i was looking for someone to be close to. I read a quote once that was about the person who helps other people is over looked as someone needing help themselves. It seems as though people are always assuming that the ones that are strong are never going to need help but over the last few weeks all I can find myself doing is either plowing my nose into a book trying to sink myself into someone else's world or someone else's life, or trying to ignore my constant thought. Now that I have a few moments I am going to just write out conscious thought without back spacing what I think would offend someone. This is your one and only warning, if you think you might be offended by something I say turn back now. If you think that you can handle it continue on BUT if you feel the need to confront me do so just know I will be taking no bullshit. here it goes. (grammar nazi's beware... conscious thought is not supposed to be grammatically correct.)

the past few days have been full of anger and misplaced thoughts. nothing that I could imagine burdening someone else with. I have found myself a few times slipping and sending an evil text message to my sister, not aimed at her mind you but just so she could help me through it. Although I do prefer to deal with things myself, I have been dealing with an internal struggle. People trying to intimidate me that are frankly not good at it and they cannot anyways because I am not scared of anyone that doesn't have the mental capability to take on the battle they choose. Someone who thinks they are better than everyone. Well frankly my words to you are fuck off. You are not the better person, just because you don't like how I live my life and how I have lived it in the past doesn't make me a bad person, and it sure as hell doesn't make you a better person for judging me for it. You always say that you and other people are going to have a coming to jesus... well frankly doesn't the bible say that no human shall judge another with human judgement? If you are so with the lord then you should take his words seriously. Yes I judge people, frankly for the benefit of my well being and others well being. But I am not one with the lord and I never take his words and use them and then do the opposite. Now people may be thinking well you just did that you hypocrite. But I an not implementing those words I am just saying them and letting you know what you are no better than I. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and fix some of the things that I have done, or change them so that things like this wouldn't happen. If I could go back and warn myself I would and it would be well worth it. Some people say that you don't live until you have experienced life, well quite honestly I think there are plenty of ways to live life even if you want to back in time to fix something you would have rather not happened, or which choice you know you should have made. In some cases I wish there was not brain to mouth filter in my body and other times I wish there was. I surely do think before I speak but sometimes it would be nice to just let it come out and not give a flying fuck about the consequences. flying by the seat of your pants if you will. Sometimes it happens and then you sit back looking at yourself thinking wow did that really just happen or wow did I really just say that. Most of the time I wish I could just say something and then have the after thought of oh hell yeah I just said that and you have no clue how gratifying that could be. But as of right now all I can think is.... fuck you. If you are so much better than me than step the fuck off......

I read another quote the other day, if you are going to walk out of my life I am going to stop trying and just hold the fucking door open. Also if you have caused me to not give a fuck, good luck trying to get it back....