rough

It is hard to see things from you, for some reason I feel like I took it too well. Maybe it was the stress I was under; the finals, the roommate situation, and finding a new place... I'm not trying to make excuses for myself I guess I am just trying to figure it out. I somehow knew something was wrong when Sommer asked me if grandma was awake. I was half asleep and really didn't process it. Then I got the text message. Some people would say "oh they didn't call you?" well I understand why she didn't. When I lost papa it was hard, as soon as you dialed the phone you lost your grip. I didn't cry when I found out, I stopped dead in my tracks and had to sit down. I couldn't focus very much and I had a final. I am not blaming anyone she didn't know. It told mom and then I drove to my test. I felt numb it was hard to believe, in fact I didn't believe it. Maybe I just woke up from a bad dream, it was harder when I got home to a message from Jim, it was hard not to cry but I held it in. I didn't really cry that day, on the plane to Lincoln City was different. Trying not to carry on conversation with the guy next to me, and trying to hold it in. It was hard seeing the kids trying to keep their mind off of it. Rhonny took it hard, the look of relief in his eyes when I saw him was heart wrenching. It is amazing how you got me, sommer and kevin together one last time before he deployed. And then when he told us that you told him you knew it made it a little harder. I don't like crying in front of people, and I guess thats why I never did. It was hard losing you and then sending Kevin to afghanistan again. I felt closer to Kevin than ever that trip, I didn't want him to go because I couldn't, I can't bare losing you and then him.

I never got the chance to thank you for everything you have ever taught me or done for me. Austin's mom asked me if I would train and help take care of her horses if she ever got some, and I told her I would because you taught me how. Like I said on your facebook, I found a message from you from last september, telling me how proud you and bubba are of me. Its hard, it still is. And I don't even know how Sommer does it. Losing you and then sending her husband back to Afghanistan. I wish I could be there with her, you weren't my mother but you were like another grandmother to me. I was reading a poem that I wrote for Rhonny before he was even 2. And there was a line that read something like I will not let you fall low, and it made me think of how I was there when you passed, trying not to let it hurt too much.

I have been emailing back and forth with sommer about my wedding, which I so wish you could be there, you will have a chair there for you just in case you want to be there in spirit, you won't have to stand the whole time... I guess the joking doesn't read as funny as I guess I felt it to be. But Sommer and I have been emailing and it does hurt a little when she calls my mom "mom" just because we still miss you soo much. It will never go away, how much we miss you that is, but rest assured that at least she still has mom. We all miss you, and really I don't know why I am writing this, maybe its because it will make me feel better, but I guess I just wanted you to know that I think about you everyday... and I miss you, and thank you.

The back stage scene

Sometimes there are people who just piss you off on a daily basis, and then there are people who just piss you off then they just neutral out then piss you off again... Well here is the current story.

Austin's mother is getting re-married to her boyfriend Mike. Now this does not bother me... she isn't using my colors or the same dress (although it is really fucking close). She did want to steal our song because "it fits us" well I'm sorry but me and your son have been together MUCH longer and we have always had that song... back off. Well we have been talking about her wedding. And I am not shitting you but the first day I was here she was showing me her wedding dress which is very similar to the one that I am freakishly in love with and if I can't make it work with my body I will be heart broken. Anyway she is sitting there telling me that if she doesn't have a big wedding then she can just give me her dress and then I can wear it in mine... this is when my blood pressure started to rise.. now not a lot but a little... then she was showing me her veil and telling me that I can use it (I don't like her veil personally and I don't like her dress for me all that much) but I was thinking... well I want my own stuff. I don't want hand me downs from the woman that is getting married for a second time... I already have her ring and I have learned to deal with that because it is a unique beautiful ring. Now she constantly kept saying oh you can have my dress, and my decorations and all this... well yeah thanks for the offer but my style of my wedding is NOWHERE near what she is having... which is fine by me. I already got a funky look from her when I told her that I already have my shoes and that they are cowboy boots. By this time my blood pressure is just continuing to rise. Well we are sitting at dinner the second night we are here, and she makes another comment about me just "borrowing" her dress for my wedding... Austin pipes in and says NO she wants her own damn dress. Which the nipped that in the bud, but there is still wedding tension. I was looking at pinterest and writing up my wedding planning stuff and she asked me what I was doing, and I told her and she just got a sour attitude... that pissed me off. Then I was looking at shutterfly for the save the dates which I have some awesome samples that are cheap and I like and it reminded me of the ones she had. They are like my cousin's who is getting married this weekend. And she was unhappy that my cousin whom she has never met, probably will never met, his save the dates were close to hers... Now I am going to sound really selfish right now and if you have a problem with that then fuck all and piss off. It is my motherfucking wedding. I have been with Austin longer than she has been on the market for a new husband, and I have been engaged longer and FIRST and whenever I plan a date it is always "well I don't know if I can do that." I don't give a flying fat fuck if you can't do it... it is my fucking wedding you are not the bride, you are not planning it so step off and spin. It is making me so mad and if I say anything to Austin he just lets it go, which I can't blame him because he just wants to be told where to stand and when to be there and wearing what on the wedding day. I have a lot of my wedding planned out and it will just take buying the stuff and putting it together. I mean I do have a serious issue to deal with sooner rather than later that has to do with the wedding party, but that is the only turmoil I thought I had to deal with.... BUT NO!!! Now I have to deal with all this shit of her wedding and my wedding... I am sorry but if you are having a second wedding I don't think you need to spend 1,000 dollars on a fucking dress... and have a massive wedding if your first wedding was lavish and expensive. Ugh I just get so mad. And then she made a comment about me getting my tattoo covered. Okay I am a bridesmaid for her wedding, its her wedding I will cover it up. BUT I am not going to fork out a shit ton of money for it... I will find a dress that will cover it, or get cheap makeup. Its a second god damned wedding. But whatever it is her wedding.

And that is just what it is HER wedding. She is going to have a wedding a year and month before Austin and I, and god help her if she doesn't want me to use the same type of dress on my wedding because I have had this dress in mind FOREVER. Since the moment I saw the picture I just wanted it. I don't know I guess I don't really have a right to be mad it is her wedding but whatever. I just don't understand why it is so horrible for me to be working on my wedding when it is so close to hers. My wedding is constantly on my mind... I mean the planning, the amount of people, where it is going to be, what to have for food, how to do drinks, cake, dresses, and the bridesmaid issue I have. And the amount of people is just a big issue. There is one person in particular that seems to think that there is going to be 300 plus people at my wedding.... if there are that many people there, I am not going to be paying for it. Not going to happen. This wedding is going to be simple, rustic, country, low budget wedding. People aren't going to like it but I don't give a shit. It is whatever.

I have found that there is more and more pissing me off about my wedding and it is just stressing me out. We FINALLY picked a date and GOD help me it will stay the same. I finally got Austin to help me pick a date and now I am going to fucking keep it. Another thing is I am tired of getting told that I need to monitor everyones everything and getting criticized about my decisions. It is almost worth not talking to ANYONE about my wedding because I am tired of getting told stupid shit about my wedding. It is just making me so mad. I don't even know what to say anymore. I am tired of getting told what I need to do and how I need to do it. I just don't understand why people won't just accept the way I want to have my wedding. I don't want a catholic wedding, I don't want a really expensive wedding, and I don't wan't something lavish. I want my own little unique wedding and I am content with it. My bridesmaids have tattoos and I have tattoos. It is not going to be a completely traditional wedding so just ugh. I don't understand why people won't just let me have my wedding the way I want.. and have my own things. I just want to crawl under a rock and just hide from the entire world....

well I guess that is all for now...

conscious

Sometimes there is a moment in your life when you sit down and realize that there are things that need to be re-evaluated. Sometimes I find myself wondering what should be evaluated and what should be left as it is. As of right now I feel like my life needs an entire re-evaluation as to what I have been doing, how I ma going to plan out my future and what really means the most to me. I find that there are people who meant a lot to me but then I realize I was blinded by the fact that i was looking for someone to be close to. I read a quote once that was about the person who helps other people is over looked as someone needing help themselves. It seems as though people are always assuming that the ones that are strong are never going to need help but over the last few weeks all I can find myself doing is either plowing my nose into a book trying to sink myself into someone else's world or someone else's life, or trying to ignore my constant thought. Now that I have a few moments I am going to just write out conscious thought without back spacing what I think would offend someone. This is your one and only warning, if you think you might be offended by something I say turn back now. If you think that you can handle it continue on BUT if you feel the need to confront me do so just know I will be taking no bullshit. here it goes. (grammar nazi's beware... conscious thought is not supposed to be grammatically correct.)

the past few days have been full of anger and misplaced thoughts. nothing that I could imagine burdening someone else with. I have found myself a few times slipping and sending an evil text message to my sister, not aimed at her mind you but just so she could help me through it. Although I do prefer to deal with things myself, I have been dealing with an internal struggle. People trying to intimidate me that are frankly not good at it and they cannot anyways because I am not scared of anyone that doesn't have the mental capability to take on the battle they choose. Someone who thinks they are better than everyone. Well frankly my words to you are fuck off. You are not the better person, just because you don't like how I live my life and how I have lived it in the past doesn't make me a bad person, and it sure as hell doesn't make you a better person for judging me for it. You always say that you and other people are going to have a coming to jesus... well frankly doesn't the bible say that no human shall judge another with human judgement? If you are so with the lord then you should take his words seriously. Yes I judge people, frankly for the benefit of my well being and others well being. But I am not one with the lord and I never take his words and use them and then do the opposite. Now people may be thinking well you just did that you hypocrite. But I an not implementing those words I am just saying them and letting you know what you are no better than I. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and fix some of the things that I have done, or change them so that things like this wouldn't happen. If I could go back and warn myself I would and it would be well worth it. Some people say that you don't live until you have experienced life, well quite honestly I think there are plenty of ways to live life even if you want to back in time to fix something you would have rather not happened, or which choice you know you should have made. In some cases I wish there was not brain to mouth filter in my body and other times I wish there was. I surely do think before I speak but sometimes it would be nice to just let it come out and not give a flying fuck about the consequences. flying by the seat of your pants if you will. Sometimes it happens and then you sit back looking at yourself thinking wow did that really just happen or wow did I really just say that. Most of the time I wish I could just say something and then have the after thought of oh hell yeah I just said that and you have no clue how gratifying that could be. But as of right now all I can think is.... fuck you. If you are so much better than me than step the fuck off......

I read another quote the other day, if you are going to walk out of my life I am going to stop trying and just hold the fucking door open. Also if you have caused me to not give a fuck, good luck trying to get it back....

Surveyed

Well it has been a while since I have done one of these, and it brings me back to the myspace years... but I feel as I have grown I need to evaluate myself as I have come to some interesting conclusions... be prepared - to get to know me, to learn new things, and see all sorts of everything about me - in other words there will be more surveys.


                                                         What is your favorite:
                                                                 
foods etc.

food: Pumpkin Pie
meal of the day: Dinner
type of pasta: Lasagna
desert: Tiramisu
type of meat: Cutlet
vegetable: broccoli (steamed)
fruit: Raspberries
kind of salad: fruit salad with honey and cinnamon not whipped cream.
kind of cookie: Snack wells Devils food
kind of pie: Pumpkin Pie with no crust.
pizza topping: Pineapple and Olives
flavor: Raspberry
ice cream flavor: Cherries Garcia
snack: Salt and Vinegar chips the kettle cooked ones.
flavor potato chip: see previous.
drink: Water
alcoholic drink: Tequila Rose
condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.): Ketchup
nationality of food (chinese, italian, etc.): Mexican
restaurant: La Roca
breakfast food: BACON
dinner food: Potatoes
salad dressing: Newman's own french
way to eat a potato: Mashed
meal to cook: Cutlets
flavor coffee: White Chocolate Mocha
flavor tea: Peppermint
candy bar: Heath or Butterfinger
candy: Sour Patch kids
snack at the movies: Redvines
way to eat popcorn: with butter and salt.
ice cream topping: Hot fudge.
carnival/fair treat: Cotton Candy
soft drink: Diet Pepsi
koolaid flavor: Cool Blue
thanksgiving food: STUFFING
spice (salt, sugar, cinnamon, etc.): Salt and garlic
                                                                   
Everyday stuff

time to get up: Whenever I wake up.
place to shop: Ross
time of day: 1234 am.
day of week: Friday
month: September
holiday: Christmas or Halloween its a toss up.
brand of toothpaste: Colgate 
brand of shampoo: Nu Skin Epoch Anti-Dandruff,
type of makeup: Pure colors
place to be: on the beach
subject in school: English
class: Social work 101
teacher: Todd Davidson and Mr. Holmes
foreign language: German
historical event: The holocaust - only because it is so interesting to learn about.
city: Seattle
article of clothing: Socks
item you own: my phone. I can do anything with it.
pet: TUBBY
animal: Penguin
color: Green and Pink
season: Fall, its so pretty
type of weather: Rainy - warm rain is the best.
career: Social work
extra curricular activity (dance, gymnastrics, etc.):Bowling
sport: Bowling
party game: Kings cup.
                                                               
 Dating & love

physical feature in the opposite sex: Eyes
personality trait of the opposite sex: Humor
place to go on a date: The movies
thing to do on a date: Cuddle
gift to get from your date: Something thoughtful
flower: Pink Rose
kind of kiss: Smooches :)
place to be kissed:Neck and lips
place to kiss your date: all over the face.
topic of conversation with your date: things that make us laugh.
way to show affection: doing something thoughtful
way for them to dress: they way they feel comfortable.
way to communicate with them (phone, email, etc.): texting or talking
                                                                   
Music, Movies, etc.

genre of music: Alternative and country
band: Lady Antebellum
singer: Josh Turner
radio station: 103.3, 96.9
concert you've been to: Toby Keith, Blake Shelton, Lupe Fiasco.
party music: top hits
romantic music: country songs
way to listen to music (CD, radio, etc.): ipod
music to listen to when you're sad: Country
music to listen to when you're angry: Alternative
song: Right now its Somebody that I used to know
lyrics: any part from Amazed
album: Not sure.
song that relates to your life: Amazed
quote: Wherever I go, there I am
joke: Are you going to uranus to check for klingons?
actor: Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Whalburg, Mathew Fox
actress: Olivia Wilde, and Evangeline Lily.
comedian: Daniel Tosh
TV show overall: Criminal Minds or Lost <3
reality show: Big Brother
game show: Big Brother
drama: Not sure
sitcom: Family Guy
TV channel: Comedy Central
movie: hunger games, Donnie Darko, the change up, etc.
genre of movie: Comedy, horror, thriller
place to go to the movies:Anywhere.
people to see a movie with: awesome friends
type of movie to see in a theater: thriller or intense movie.

All About You

physical feature: my eyes
personality trait: my ability to listen to people
way to wear your hair: in a messy bun or pony.
way to wear your makeup: dark and complicated
pair of shoes: my toms or my uggs
outfit: yoga pants, tank top, sweater and my uggs
thing that makes you smile: things that go through my mind.
person: :)
family member: All of the ones I am close with
friend: There are too many.
room in your house: My bedroom because it is where I can go and not have to deal with people
place to be alone: outside. 
place to be with your friends: anywhere.

The Internet

website: Pinterest
email host: gmail
IM service: facebook
emoticon: >.< or ^.^
online friend: You know who you are.
blog site: Blogger.com
online game: Battlefield 2142
IM/chat phrase: "wtf?"
search engine: Google
font: central gothic

Travel & the world

type of car: Nissan Xterra <3
form of transportation: Car, you can blast music and sing.
state in the US: Oregon
place to vacation: Oregon for the family, Vegas for the fun
ocean: Lincoln City Oregon!!!
country: U.S.A. considering that is the only place I have been that I liked. 
place to travel: Anywhere fun
type of climate (arctic, desert, beach, etc.): beach not too hot and not too damn cold.
type of surroundings (city, country, etc.): Country and ocean.
natural disaster: Tornado... i guess.
natural wonder: The colors of the world
body of water (lake, river, ocean, etc.): Ocean

Childhood

childhood toy: GLOW WORM
childhood memory: the county fair
childhood friend: Jason
elementary school activity: the day in gym when we would play with the scooters AND the parachute.
place to play: Regatta grounds
game to play: Mario
birthday party (yours or a friend's): my 6th birthday
food as a kid: No bake cookies
way to annoy your parents: leave my shit everywhere
way to get what you wanted: work for it.

Summer

This is me, the summer I believe in, my summer, It is also going to be written in what seems like nonsense, but those who care will understand <3
Summer is:
Messy buns, extravagant make-up, no make-up, neon colored socks, Rain, sunshine, tattoos, hearing that smart ass tone in your brothers voice, kisses from my niece and nephews, bullshitting with your maid of honor, getting a hug from your brother and knowing he means it, drinking so much water you think you will die, watermelon, sweet alcoholic beverages, frozen pre-made daquiri's, beautiful sunsets, ice cream, cruisin' on my bike, those sweet goodbyes, late night conversations, words with secret meanings, criminal minds, bright nail polish, missing my soldier (and knowing he is missed by his babies and my sister), sleeping in as long as possible, trying new drinks, bar hopping, Vegas bound, doing things to give your brother a reason to come "kick your ass", Getting wild and crazy, Xi life, Nutella, Camo, Yellow ribbons, wind storms, catching rays, hunger games, music, making memories, rekindling past times, living with my "child" again, coming home to a tree in your kitchen, surprises, birthdays, care packages, letters, pictures of ridiculousness, and much much more, especially learning that you are becoming who you really want to be!

* Dear friends and family-
Feel free to comment with a couple of your own to connect our lives :) even if they have nothing to do with me, or anything I listed!!!

Goodbyes are not forever... this time.

This evening I spent a little bit of time with my sisters. Talking with some of them was just the best. I have not realized how much I love my sisters until this moment. This semester and the semester before have been crazy, hectic and completely insane and it has been hard to really realize how much you love someone even if you don't spend the time with them. As I will be starting the new semester in the fall as a Senior in Alpha Xi, I am feeling more love than I have before. Even when it is a call to go to the store for them, or to go run and errand with them, it doesn't even bother me that I am the person they call, that is just it. It is the fact that they thought of me long enough to make the call. I would do anything for my sisters, and we just keep getting amazing women. There are younger members that I want to see grow and fill positions that I once had, or that my pledge sisters once had. It is wonderful to see them being so brave to take on something so hard. I love my sisters so much that I cannot really truly express it.

I have grown close with my pledge sisters, and the sisters before my class. One is graduating, the other is going to be graduating in the fall, and that leave two of us. We will be strong as we always have been for each other. Calling on each other in need. But it isn't only the pledge sisters that I am truly close with. Not even all the girls in my twins' class. It is the class that holds my grandlittles. I feel as though they look up to us and look to us for advice and help. I feel like it is my duty as their sister to help them in need, and help them truly realize their potential as a woman trying to change the face of greek life at Boise State, as well as trying to change the face of their future.

I want my sisters to know that if you ever need a ride home; call. If you ever need something even if it is just to talk because you have bored someone else with the issue; call. If you are in trouble, and I swear I don't care what kind of trouble it is, call!! I will help you as much as I can because I feel like I should. I love you all so much.

This summer is going to be the hardest to spend away from so many of my sisters. But I hope that they enjoy every moment of their summer because the fall will hit hard, especially with some of our sisters going abroad. I love you ladies and I am going to miss you all so much!

Tribute

Today's post is not about ramblings or the ideas or suggestions that I wish people in society would learn from or take heed. Today's post is a tribute to a very amazing person that is no longer with us. Today May 8th 2012, we lost a person that was very near and dear to our hearts. She will always be loved and forever missed. Sharon was a woman that raised many children with respect and courage. She was a woman that no one could really compare too. I spent a lot of time with her, in the bowling alley and training horses. Her and I bowled on the mixed league together, and spent a great amount of time together in the bowling alley. She also taught me many things about horses, and riding and the Posse, and how they train horses. We spent many hours training Taxi together. She is also the mother of my sister whom I love dearly. Sharon was a big part of our lives, and she always will be. She put a smile on many peoples faces and warmed their hearts. My grandmother played bingo with her on occasion last time I played with them I won 75 bucks, I guess it was my lucky day. Not only to win the money, but because I was surrounded with people I loved and cared about. She had an amazing heart, she took care of her horses and dogs as if they were family, and even took in a fat, annoying cat that I couldn't take to Boise with me, and she loved him even though he was probably one of the biggest pains in the ass that ever lived in her house.

She was a wonderful grandmother, mother, aunt, sister, and friend. She will be greatly missed by everyone. Like my brother said this morning, "today we are all incomplete whether we know it or not." And it is true. Without her we are incomplete, but this is how life is. We all become incomplete and it is hard to take. It is hard to understand and hard to completely believe but we are all a little less than ourselves these days, and if it weren't for Sharon, a lot of us would not have been brought together to share the bonds that we now hold.

Thank you for your passion, friendship and love Sharon, you will be missed more than words can express.

-Britt.