rough

It is hard to see things from you, for some reason I feel like I took it too well. Maybe it was the stress I was under; the finals, the roommate situation, and finding a new place... I'm not trying to make excuses for myself I guess I am just trying to figure it out. I somehow knew something was wrong when Sommer asked me if grandma was awake. I was half asleep and really didn't process it. Then I got the text message. Some people would say "oh they didn't call you?" well I understand why she didn't. When I lost papa it was hard, as soon as you dialed the phone you lost your grip. I didn't cry when I found out, I stopped dead in my tracks and had to sit down. I couldn't focus very much and I had a final. I am not blaming anyone she didn't know. It told mom and then I drove to my test. I felt numb it was hard to believe, in fact I didn't believe it. Maybe I just woke up from a bad dream, it was harder when I got home to a message from Jim, it was hard not to cry but I held it in. I didn't really cry that day, on the plane to Lincoln City was different. Trying not to carry on conversation with the guy next to me, and trying to hold it in. It was hard seeing the kids trying to keep their mind off of it. Rhonny took it hard, the look of relief in his eyes when I saw him was heart wrenching. It is amazing how you got me, sommer and kevin together one last time before he deployed. And then when he told us that you told him you knew it made it a little harder. I don't like crying in front of people, and I guess thats why I never did. It was hard losing you and then sending Kevin to afghanistan again. I felt closer to Kevin than ever that trip, I didn't want him to go because I couldn't, I can't bare losing you and then him.

I never got the chance to thank you for everything you have ever taught me or done for me. Austin's mom asked me if I would train and help take care of her horses if she ever got some, and I told her I would because you taught me how. Like I said on your facebook, I found a message from you from last september, telling me how proud you and bubba are of me. Its hard, it still is. And I don't even know how Sommer does it. Losing you and then sending her husband back to Afghanistan. I wish I could be there with her, you weren't my mother but you were like another grandmother to me. I was reading a poem that I wrote for Rhonny before he was even 2. And there was a line that read something like I will not let you fall low, and it made me think of how I was there when you passed, trying not to let it hurt too much.

I have been emailing back and forth with sommer about my wedding, which I so wish you could be there, you will have a chair there for you just in case you want to be there in spirit, you won't have to stand the whole time... I guess the joking doesn't read as funny as I guess I felt it to be. But Sommer and I have been emailing and it does hurt a little when she calls my mom "mom" just because we still miss you soo much. It will never go away, how much we miss you that is, but rest assured that at least she still has mom. We all miss you, and really I don't know why I am writing this, maybe its because it will make me feel better, but I guess I just wanted you to know that I think about you everyday... and I miss you, and thank you.

The back stage scene

Sometimes there are people who just piss you off on a daily basis, and then there are people who just piss you off then they just neutral out then piss you off again... Well here is the current story.

Austin's mother is getting re-married to her boyfriend Mike. Now this does not bother me... she isn't using my colors or the same dress (although it is really fucking close). She did want to steal our song because "it fits us" well I'm sorry but me and your son have been together MUCH longer and we have always had that song... back off. Well we have been talking about her wedding. And I am not shitting you but the first day I was here she was showing me her wedding dress which is very similar to the one that I am freakishly in love with and if I can't make it work with my body I will be heart broken. Anyway she is sitting there telling me that if she doesn't have a big wedding then she can just give me her dress and then I can wear it in mine... this is when my blood pressure started to rise.. now not a lot but a little... then she was showing me her veil and telling me that I can use it (I don't like her veil personally and I don't like her dress for me all that much) but I was thinking... well I want my own stuff. I don't want hand me downs from the woman that is getting married for a second time... I already have her ring and I have learned to deal with that because it is a unique beautiful ring. Now she constantly kept saying oh you can have my dress, and my decorations and all this... well yeah thanks for the offer but my style of my wedding is NOWHERE near what she is having... which is fine by me. I already got a funky look from her when I told her that I already have my shoes and that they are cowboy boots. By this time my blood pressure is just continuing to rise. Well we are sitting at dinner the second night we are here, and she makes another comment about me just "borrowing" her dress for my wedding... Austin pipes in and says NO she wants her own damn dress. Which the nipped that in the bud, but there is still wedding tension. I was looking at pinterest and writing up my wedding planning stuff and she asked me what I was doing, and I told her and she just got a sour attitude... that pissed me off. Then I was looking at shutterfly for the save the dates which I have some awesome samples that are cheap and I like and it reminded me of the ones she had. They are like my cousin's who is getting married this weekend. And she was unhappy that my cousin whom she has never met, probably will never met, his save the dates were close to hers... Now I am going to sound really selfish right now and if you have a problem with that then fuck all and piss off. It is my motherfucking wedding. I have been with Austin longer than she has been on the market for a new husband, and I have been engaged longer and FIRST and whenever I plan a date it is always "well I don't know if I can do that." I don't give a flying fat fuck if you can't do it... it is my fucking wedding you are not the bride, you are not planning it so step off and spin. It is making me so mad and if I say anything to Austin he just lets it go, which I can't blame him because he just wants to be told where to stand and when to be there and wearing what on the wedding day. I have a lot of my wedding planned out and it will just take buying the stuff and putting it together. I mean I do have a serious issue to deal with sooner rather than later that has to do with the wedding party, but that is the only turmoil I thought I had to deal with.... BUT NO!!! Now I have to deal with all this shit of her wedding and my wedding... I am sorry but if you are having a second wedding I don't think you need to spend 1,000 dollars on a fucking dress... and have a massive wedding if your first wedding was lavish and expensive. Ugh I just get so mad. And then she made a comment about me getting my tattoo covered. Okay I am a bridesmaid for her wedding, its her wedding I will cover it up. BUT I am not going to fork out a shit ton of money for it... I will find a dress that will cover it, or get cheap makeup. Its a second god damned wedding. But whatever it is her wedding.

And that is just what it is HER wedding. She is going to have a wedding a year and month before Austin and I, and god help her if she doesn't want me to use the same type of dress on my wedding because I have had this dress in mind FOREVER. Since the moment I saw the picture I just wanted it. I don't know I guess I don't really have a right to be mad it is her wedding but whatever. I just don't understand why it is so horrible for me to be working on my wedding when it is so close to hers. My wedding is constantly on my mind... I mean the planning, the amount of people, where it is going to be, what to have for food, how to do drinks, cake, dresses, and the bridesmaid issue I have. And the amount of people is just a big issue. There is one person in particular that seems to think that there is going to be 300 plus people at my wedding.... if there are that many people there, I am not going to be paying for it. Not going to happen. This wedding is going to be simple, rustic, country, low budget wedding. People aren't going to like it but I don't give a shit. It is whatever.

I have found that there is more and more pissing me off about my wedding and it is just stressing me out. We FINALLY picked a date and GOD help me it will stay the same. I finally got Austin to help me pick a date and now I am going to fucking keep it. Another thing is I am tired of getting told that I need to monitor everyones everything and getting criticized about my decisions. It is almost worth not talking to ANYONE about my wedding because I am tired of getting told stupid shit about my wedding. It is just making me so mad. I don't even know what to say anymore. I am tired of getting told what I need to do and how I need to do it. I just don't understand why people won't just accept the way I want to have my wedding. I don't want a catholic wedding, I don't want a really expensive wedding, and I don't wan't something lavish. I want my own little unique wedding and I am content with it. My bridesmaids have tattoos and I have tattoos. It is not going to be a completely traditional wedding so just ugh. I don't understand why people won't just let me have my wedding the way I want.. and have my own things. I just want to crawl under a rock and just hide from the entire world....

well I guess that is all for now...